For Sale: Two Souls. (Will consider six-month lease)

Two souls available — sold individually or as a set.

Santorum’s soul: Bruised but largely intact, at least to his enormous family. Minimum price: cabinet post (maybe HHS — he knows something about the birds and the bees! — see above, re family) and some way of making that whole “worst republican in the country” business go away before Tampa. Maximum price: Not to exceed use of rock star touring bus with a group picture painted on the side.

Newt’s soul: Bloodied and battered, but with a bus ticket to Tampa and some unsettled accounts.  Minimum price: $1.4MM to pay off campaign debt (which is Obama’s fault) and to seal the record on that total bs Clinton’s people tried to pull in the 90s, and the crap his exes claimed since the 70s. Maximum price: Top-billing on GOP ticket and a burial right next to the Gipper — and that means the same box.

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Pretty decent…for one night a year

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I’m back.

Took a year off because the campaign went off the rails in every direction, including up, down, diagonal and in the path a knight makes in chess. Anyway, going to post some missives from the Facebook (where I freely vented all year) and then keep going til November and beyond. Unlike Newt, I will actually go the distance.

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Is it crowded in here? Or is it just me?

I hope by month’s end we will have all the GOP horses in the gates.  Then the fun really begins.

Who can make our country better than the current regime?  Can’t wait to hear!

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This Mission for Hire

Just how archaic are the military and governments at all levels when it comes to marketing savvy, specifically, sponsorships and product placement?  Answer: Stone Age archaic.

I am prepared to change all that, if elected.

The military recently came under fire (pun kind of intended) for code-naming Osama bin Laden “Geronimo.”  I’m sure there are even more unseemly targets with potentially inflammatory codenames that might enrage one group or another.  You know who wouldn’t be offended by the international proclamation of their names? Corporations.

In fact, they’d pay for it!  Lots and lots of money, just for allowing InBev to sponsor Operation Bud Light when we go ashore at Tripoli.  And if the military was open to a little extra cash — we’re talking millions and millions of dollars — what would it hurt to add a few logos to the uniforms and armor?

On May 1, instead of radioing back to the Situation Room that Geronimo had been eliminated, the SEAL heroes could have cashed in for the Navy by proclaiming (ideally on a live public feed): “The Pepperidge Farms Goldfish has been Flavor Blasted with Xtra Cheddar.”

The possibilities are endless.

Now, perhaps it’s time to explore a few sponsors for my presidential run, using my iPhone and Dell XPS running Windows 7.

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Finally, it’s finally official!

Thank you for coming, and thank you also for your patience. The wait is finally over!  My second and better presidential exploratory committee is officially on the case.

In the wake of my spike in the polls as a result of my level-headed advice not to go all Stanley-Cup-crazy over the death of a really hateful jerk, I am considering the a hat and a ring to throw it into.

Don’t be surprised if you find my committee on your doorstep or calling you from blocked toll-numbers or sitting too close at a bar.  This is a diligent group of dedicated patriots, and they alone will answer the question you’d think I could answer for myself: Am I presidential material?  Like so many of my high-achieving ilk, I need reassurance that my candidacy is viable and, dare I say, that I can win this thing come November.  Not this November, the one a year from then.

You can read the detailed nuggets of my agenda and manifesto here on this sleek, president-worthy blog site (notice the colors and the picture of the American flag).

I have also received queries about my stance on some of the broader issues facing our nation.  Let me quickly address those, just so there’s no confusion:

I’ve got really solid plans for the economy, education, health care, immigration, same-sex marriage and government in general, while also shoring up homeland security, defense and infrastructure, all the while paying off the deficit in ten — no, five! –years (worst case: 60… but maybe 25, if we’re ready to get serious about this).

Sounds good, yes?

Sure it does.  And it’s all completely doable.  Unlike the “schemes” of other “candidates” for which you’ve been given no insight or detail, mine are sensible and decent.  You need to trust me on that for now because, frankly, I’m not giving this stuff away.  Elect me president and it’s all yours…or should I say, ours.  One nation under the big guy (take your pick).

Btw, when the exploratory committee does contact you, please be prepared to answer some tough questions, like,

  • “How would you fix the economy?”
  • “How would you fix education?”
  • “Why can’t you just take a different bridge that isn’t crumbling?”
  • “Do you think a balding man can be president? Why not?”
  • “Know anyone who’s hiring?”
  • “Can we stay with you for a few days?”

Your answers will make all the difference.

Here we go.  Let’s be decent…and be the best at it, America!

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OBL was the biggest #(!@%)* ever…but let US be decent.

Justice is the most decent thing in the world. And today we have exacted it.  America does that better than anyone, and it’s the basis for much of our existence.

But the celebrating masses in the streets of the US (obviously playing to the cameras, as they do) sends another message to the world — and ourselves.  Are we savage, bloodthirsty heathens hell-bent only on revenge and demanding unwavering respect from the rest of the world?

Oh wait, that’s how we characterized the people we saw celebrating on 9/11 in Kabul, Tehran and other cities.  I found those images inhuman and sickening.  Could those same people view our celebrating in the same light?

Consider these two photos taken in the first 24 hours after Osama’s death, one from West Virginia, the other from Pakistan.  Does this make us so different?

Older people in this country might not fully appreciate the power of these images when delivered into the hands of even the most remote civilizations of the world, via the instantaneous and ubiquitous internet.  It’s about perception.

And younger Americans might not yet understand that the respect we feel we are due is very unlike the outcome of a Stanley Cup or Super Bowl — let’s not even talk about the World Series.  On the world stage, this heroic event shouldn’t be about bragging rights.  We are too good for that.  Again, perception.

There are also people who view this situation as good versus evil.  Again, a matter of perception. (And I truly wish I could walk in their shoes.)

Remember the other images from 9/11? The dazed and heroic firemen and police officers.  The candle-lit vigils.  The faces of resolve and determination.  That should be America: tested, undaunted, united.  Of course, we’re past that, because we are resilient too…we move on.

That is good.  But it’s complicated.

Militarily, we are the most powerful nation in the world.  And we should exert that power when we must.  Obama’s boast of “we can do whatever we put our minds to” does not, nor should not, mean that we can do whatever we want in this world.  There are consequences to every action, and none as plain as good vs evil.

But decency can be universal.

Finally, this picture from the Denver Post conveys that our protests might involve more attractive people, by western standards, but the energy is the same as from the East on 9/11: Aggression, exuberance, victory!  All right in front of the White House.  That might be what America indeed is — but is this what we want to convey as our best?

We might never be our best or “the” best again.  Let’s just be better…more decent.

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