Thank you for coming, and thank you also for your patience. The wait is finally over! My second and better presidential exploratory committee is officially on the case.
In the wake of my spike in the polls as a result of my level-headed advice not to go all Stanley-Cup-crazy over the death of a really hateful jerk, I am considering the a hat and a ring to throw it into.
Don’t be surprised if you find my committee on your doorstep or calling you from blocked toll-numbers or sitting too close at a bar. This is a diligent group of dedicated patriots, and they alone will answer the question you’d think I could answer for myself: Am I presidential material? Like so many of my high-achieving ilk, I need reassurance that my candidacy is viable and, dare I say, that I can win this thing come November. Not this November, the one a year from then.
You can read the detailed nuggets of my agenda and manifesto here on this sleek, president-worthy blog site (notice the colors and the picture of the American flag).
I have also received queries about my stance on some of the broader issues facing our nation. Let me quickly address those, just so there’s no confusion:
I’ve got really solid plans for the economy, education, health care, immigration, same-sex marriage and government in general, while also shoring up homeland security, defense and infrastructure, all the while paying off the deficit in ten — no, five! –years (worst case: 60… but maybe 25, if we’re ready to get serious about this).
Sounds good, yes?
Sure it does. And it’s all completely doable. Unlike the “schemes” of other “candidates” for which you’ve been given no insight or detail, mine are sensible and decent. You need to trust me on that for now because, frankly, I’m not giving this stuff away. Elect me president and it’s all yours…or should I say, ours. One nation under the big guy (take your pick).
Btw, when the exploratory committee does contact you, please be prepared to answer some tough questions, like,
- “How would you fix the economy?”
- “How would you fix education?”
- “Why can’t you just take a different bridge that isn’t crumbling?”
- “Do you think a balding man can be president? Why not?”
- “Know anyone who’s hiring?”
- “Can we stay with you for a few days?”
Your answers will make all the difference.
Here we go. Let’s be decent…and be the best at it, America!